Taliesin

Futility

2007-04-24T03:28:51Z

I hope things do not continue down their current path. I can see how things may unravel, and I'm trying as best I can to hold on to the threads. I am afraid that what I've built up over the last year will crumble into dust because of a few poor decisions.

The only thing left is to wait, and hope that things don't fall apart. Hope that these bonds are as strong as I thought.

It's funny how you can look back on events and see where they began to fall apart. I can see it in my mind. I know when and where the big changes happened, where the threads slipped away.

It's funny that a week ago thinking of the future would send me into a brief depression. Now I feel only a sense of determination. I will not let my worst fears to come to pass. You can't live your life on the sidelines and just hope things spring back to how they were. You need to put in some effort; work back to what was and turn it into something better.

It is a sad day when the hope within us dies. When we give up, defeated only by ourselves and our unwillingness to take the reigns of our lives. The future, destiny, they are what we make it. We must push past our limitations, and endure. Only then can true happiness be found for mankind.

That's it...

2007-04-15T04:00:12Z

I am tired of waking up in the morning.

I am tired of disappointment.

I am tired.

Attack of Random

2007-04-09T05:55:10Z

Yesterday was, overall, a very good day. It started off with a shitty conversation with my parents in which they, as they are want to do, picked apart all of my flaws. I do not like my character attacked. I know who I am, and I know what I would do in most circumstances. I am, if nothing else, a man of my word. I do not break promises if I can help it, and I do not leave the people I care about stranded. That is what jack-asses do. I am not a jack-ass.

Thankfully, I have good friends, and Andrea let me come over and visit with her and Ashley. Then we returned to my place and chilled out in the hot-tub for 5 hours just shooting the shit. That more than made up for the earlier portion of the day. Two attractive girls in a hot tub, one interested in me and one who I'm interested in, and there was nothing akward. That is a measure of friendship right there: how comfortable you are around each other. Although, I'm not nearly as comfortable talking about some things with Ashley as I am with Andrea, but I've never been one to have more than a small handfull of really good friends anyway, so I'm fine with things staying as they are with Ashley.

Today started off kinda crappy, got significantly better, and then shitted out again. Fortunately, the good of today has far outweighed the bad, just like yesterday. Waking up sick and then having Easter with your family is not the best start to a day. But Andrea and Tony made me feel all better once I got back into Alma. Tea and conversation with Andrea, and "medicine" and food with Tony. Then Andrea disappeared mysteriously. She has yet to return.

That part is a bit unfortunate because I was hoping to have the second part of my conversation with her tonight, but that can always wait until tomorrow.

That, however, is not the down note I mentioned. I left my key-card at home so I can't get into my dorm. Therefore, I am going to be a hobo for a few days, probably living on the KI couch.

Overall, I am a strange mixture of happy and depressed. I don't know if the depression thing is just the lingering depression I've had for awhile (at least the stress part is gone) or if it's from being sick. I guess I'll find out when I get better. Being sick always puts me in a funk though, so I'm leaning towards that one. Especially since I was in such a good mood the last few days before getting sick.

Awesome

2007-04-05T08:43:16Z

Another good day. I'm hoping thursday will be as well, because I'm pretty sure going home for the weekend is going to blow ass.

Weird

2007-04-04T06:32:13Z

Today was a very up and down day. It started off shitty, got better in the middle, got shitty again, and then got better. I basically started the day with a lab after 5 hours of sleep, where I managed to break a glass dish by heating it too fast. After that I just hung out with Matlock and Andrea until 7ish, and the day took a dive right there.

As I've mentioned, I like being around people when I'm in poor spirits, and I couldn't be around for a while. So I got to stew, like I always do alone, and the weight of all my frustrations from the past two months just kind of crashed on me. It came damn close to happening the other day, but I decided to stay around people instead. I didn't have the option today.

So I walked. From 7ish until around 11. I probably walked 10 miles. I also punched a tree until my knuckles bled. And listened to "Alive" from the Jekyll and Hyde musical on repeat. Then I visited Tony and had a good, if short (because I wanted to get to sleep early, ha) talk.

It all turned out to be very therapeutic. Although I wouldn't recommend tree punching. I sometimes don't deal with frustration in the best of ways. Anyway, the whole walk was some much-needed "me time." I feel lighter. And then I went to give Andrea back a book and got to smoke and a meat pie, and both were wonderful.

I was really surprised that it turned out to be a good day. The walk helped alot more than I first thought it did. I mean, I'm still frustrated about things, but I did release a few months of pent up frustration. And besides, when is life not frustrating? I just need to start dealing with the frustrations as them come, not wait for months until I have a meltdown. It's just lucky it wasn't directed at a person.

That is, perhaps, my biggest fear. I am so afraid that someone will push the wrong button when I'm close to that meltdown point and that they will be ended. I'm not a big man, and I'm not an intimidating man, but I'm also the only one who has any idea what would happen were I to direct all of my frustration on to something other than my own feet.

I really need to work on dealing with frustrations as they come. I'll make it a goal.

Shit

2007-04-03T20:20:40Z

The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things. - Henry Ward Beecher

Yesterday started off as a shitty day. I just could not deal with some of the things happening. Thankfully, Andrea stayed up with me until 4 and we just talked. It made me feel better. Today is more or less a "meh" day. Kind of a balance between good and shitty. I feel much better when I'm with my friends than I do sitting alone by myself. My friends all tend to be people who I feel have a comforting "energy" about them. It helps me feel better without actually having to talk. Unfortunately, I'm sure it also makes me seem obnoxious sometimes because I'm around all the time.

But, I appreciate their tolerance for me. I am a somewhat difficult person to be around all the time, especially when I'm in a foul mood. But I also try and make it clear that if I am being obnoxious, I have no problem leaving if asked.

Comics

2007-03-30T20:35:13Z

I have begun to both write and draw my own comic book. I have the basics of the first 6 story lines already written out, and have figured out a number of abilities to be used in the story.

Here's an overview:
John- High psychic and telekinetic abilities
Jason- Manipulation of the entire EM spectrum
Tony- High level telekinesis
Andrea- Absolute vocal control, conversion of sound to KE
Adam- Time dilation field and empathic power mimicking
Josh- High level energy projection and static interference field (weakens other powers)
Michelle- Euphoric field effect, reality warping
Mickey- Psionic armor
Rey- High strength and durability
Matt- Shape-shifting
Santana- Beast
Rebecca- Soul stealing by way of shadow tendrils, controls bodies with stolen souls
Jason's Dad- Communication with animals
Ruth- Forcefield projection
Shakaria- Control of nature
Ryan- Immune to psychic manipulation, strength, durability

The main team consists of John, Andrea, Jason, Adam, Michelle and Mickey.

Story lines:
Arc 1
-War on the astral plane
-Discovery of powers
-Understanding of powers
-Josh accidentally kills, runs away
-Gain control of powers

Arc 2 (5 years later)
-Josh beings causing riots for Anarchy in random countries
-Josh reveals himself by killing the president
-John tracks down Josh alone, they battle, John loses and runs
-John collects a team
-Team battles Josh
-Andrea defeats Josh, he is imprisoned

Arc 3
-Rise of Rebecca
-Adam defeats Rebecca by emulating her powers and stealing her soul

Arc 4
-Rebecca is corrupting Adam's soul
-Team goes to astral plane to save Adam's soul
-Adam and Rebecca's souls are seperated
-Rebecca's soul imprisoned on Astral plane
-Cra'zar, the "God King," accidentally released

Arc 5
-Josh becomes God King's vessel on this plane
-Josh overcomes God King and kills himself, sending the God King back to the astral plane

Arc 6
-Jason discovers he is unable to kill, realizes it was John
-Falling out
-Jason gathers a team to fight John

I've also written the first few pages (7, I think) along with a description of the intended images.

• The astral plane. A realm composed entirely of conscious thought. It is through our minds’ limited connection to this realm that beings like us can think and reason. Beings of unimaginable power, known as the Ithani’zah, were protectors of the barrier between our two realms. Then came the war…
o Full page image of Ithani’zah floating serenely in the chaos of the astral plane

• One of the Ithani’zah, a being known as Cra’zar, sought to harness the energy of the astral plane and in doing so transcend to a higher level of existence. The war between Cra’zar’s heretics and the Ithani’zah lasted for centuries. During the final battle, Cra’zar almost succeeded before being subdued by his brethren.
o Image of Cra’zar and his followers battling other Ithani’zah
o Image of Cra’zar surrounded by energy, unprotected
o Image of Cra’zar being subdued, filling remainder of page and next

• Cra’zar’s final attempt to transcend into a higher plane of existence left the barrier between the realms shattered. The energy released into our world affected pockets of humans across the globe.
o Image of broken astral plane
o Image of Earth, with spikes of light where the energy struck

• Those of us affected gained a stronger affinity for the energies of the astral plane, each of us able to manipulate those energies in a different way.
o 2-page sequence of power manifestations (spill on to next page)

• From that first moment of realization, our lives were forever changed.
o Image of a group of people with powers congregating

That's all I have at the moment. My plan right now is to do pencil and ink drawings, scan them into photoshop and essentially "paint" them in photoshop. All I need to do that is photoshop for my mac.

This is the only thing in life I'm excited about right now. But I am really fucking excited about it. If it goes well, I may be able to actually have a desirable career in art rather than the undesirable chemistry career I seem to be headed towards.

Tired

2007-03-29T04:29:58Z

Can I just quit? I'm tired of having to settle. I want to get my first choice for once.

Destiny

2007-03-26T05:48:12Z

I was never much for the idea of destiny, but it sure helps to explain the way I've been feeling lately.

I'm sure I've said it before, but I feel as if I'm doing the wrong things. Not "bad" things, just not what I'm meant to be doing right now. It's a difficult thing to describe, because it's a very personal feeling. I don't know if what I'm meant to be doing is something grand or something small. Am I meant to be a leader, or a follower? The machine or a cog?

I don't know what to do to fix this. I'm limited by my current position in life and the pressures of what everyone calls "the real world." As an aside, I think calling everything outside of school "the real world" is bullshit. It implies that what we do every day while in school is false, that existing outside of the world of colored collars is not true existence.

But, back to topic, I want to get away and figure things out. I can't, of course, because I'm stuck with loans and school and what not. And if I disappear, then my parents get stuck with all of those problems. And that's not the kind of person I am.

So, I'm going to continue relying on my friends for sanity and comfort. Maybe the feeling will go away. Maybe I'll accidentally stumble on the right path. In the mean time, please bear with me as I search for it.

Ethics

2007-03-23T15:05:32Z

Life would be much easier for me if I had no code of ethics. Decisions wouldn't be debated over and over again in my head. I would be able to do what I wanted without having to worry about how my choices would effect those around me. Unfortunately, I have a code of ethics and as such must debate decisions and worry about the effects my choices have on the people around me. Lame.

Things fall apart...

2007-03-20T06:01:34Z

...The centre cannot hold.

Yeah, that about sums things up right now.

It feels like things are slowly falling apart.

Everything felt so much better a week ago.

I feel like I'm lying whenever I say I'm not depressed because I don't know how to talk about what's wrong.

Fun.

Helplessness

2007-03-17T21:54:29Z

I wish I could make everything better...

Loneliness

2007-03-17T19:38:55Z

Fuck feeling alone. Fuck being alone. I'm tired of it and I just want it to end.

I feel like a fucking yo-yo right now. I'm going from incredibly up to incredibly down over the course of hours. Right now I'm down. I was hoping today would be a good day, but I feel as if no one wants me around. I'm just kind of "there."

I think my asshole-ness from Thursday still has everyone upset with me. I don't know how to make it right. I've already apologized for it.

Andrea invited me to the drag-ball tonight, and I was excited to go at first. Now I'm not.

I really don't know what the hell is wrong with me right now. In fact, I think I'm blowing just about everything out of proportion. I don't really know if people are upset with me, it's just how I feel. Ignored, dejected, unappreciated. I just want things to go back to normal. I was much happier ignoring myself in favor of others than I am trying to focus on me.

Focusing on myself turns me into a depressed jack-ass.

Today

2007-03-16T06:46:07Z

Today was a very up and down day. I went from incredibly happy, to fucking depressed, to okay again. Unfortunately, I had to hurt a friend to realize that I didn't really have any good reason to be depressed. Hell, the only reason today turned out "okay" is because i'm not really depressed. I do, however, feel like a world-class asshole.

emotions

2007-03-11T03:09:55Z

Sometimes, I hate my emotions. I pride myself on my ability to make decisions with little emotional bias, but that doesn't mean I don't feel. Sometimes I wish I couldn't. Couldn't feel longing, or anger, frustration or joy. My emotions are tormenting me. Pulling me in two directions simultaneously. My mind is a wreck. I have great friends but I still feel as if something is missing.

It's funny, I've spent most of my time at Alma unwilling to start a relationship. I've allowed only a "friends with benefits" type of scenario. Why is it that now, when I feel ready to be in a relationship, there seems to be no one around anymore?

I apologize for the angsty entry, but I'm in poor spirits right now. I have been for awhile, and only a few people manage to actually lift them. Andrea, Tony and Jason. They each help in their own ways, and I owe them each more thanks than I have to give. They are the three best friends I have at Alma, or anywhere for that matter, and I owe them my sanity.

I'd write more, but it will turn into personal thank yous for each of them and they don't deserve anything less than my showing my appreciation in person.

turmoil

2007-03-10T20:49:13Z

I've no idea what to do.
Indecision claws at my soul.
The fire, the passion,
Will it calm?

Two paths, one better
but also worse.
Which one to take?

Answers,
I want answers.
Do I trust heart,
or head?

Okay, enough with the cryptic pseudo-poetry. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it yet, but I needed to vent somehow. Being cryptic was good enough.

Anyway, Matlock and I had a fun car ride back. We figured out what superpowers we would have. Him, with all of his science nerd-ness, would have the ability to manipulate the entire electromagnetic spectrum. Like Magneto if he was written right. We thought of some cool ways to use the power too. I stuck with my fine-tuned telekinesis and psychic powers. We also decided that, due to the nature of our abilities, we would be immune to each other's powers. Except my psychic powers, those I could use against him.

Okay, that is all.

The Meaning of Life

2007-02-12T08:10:18Z

It's 3AM and I once again find myself wide awake with nothing to do. Insomnia blows ass. Anyway, while contemplating my own boredom I decided to enter "meaning of life" into google search. The very first entry is from wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meaning_of_life

I like the philosophical ones the best. Most notably "...to give life meaning" as well as "...to know the meaning of life".

I took a walk around one when I realized sleep attempts tonight would be entirely futile. I thought alot about the meaning of life. Actually, I thought more about wether or not life actually has an inherent meaning. Is the key to understanding who we are one step on the road to understanding what life is, or must we first know life's meaning before we can know our own?

Like most things, there are probably multiple ways to truly understand yourself. I imagine that either of the routes I just stated are valid, it is simply a matter of which you feel it necessary to understand first. Do you want to know who you are, or what life is? I'm fairly content with life being no more complicated than what we experience day to day. I am much more concerned about who I am in this life. If there is some grandiose meaning of life, then I'm okay with waiting until I discover who I truly am before I dive into that question.

ithanir @ 2007-02-11T23:43:00

2007-02-12T04:44:00Z

What is my strength?

Extradordinary

2007-02-11T09:46:57Z

I feel like I am capable of being extradordinary. Maybe I'm conceited, I don't know. All I know is what I feel. Part of me doesn't think I'll ever achieve it, but another part of me does. I have dreams, dreams that feel as real as life, where I am doing incredible things. I had this in my head much better an hour ago. Now I'm going to sleep.

Where do I go?

2007-02-10T07:28:07Z

I am isolated from the group because of a minority.

Where do I go?

I fucking hate this.

Who?

2007-02-07T05:38:14Z

As Tony pointed out, I made no attempt to answer the question of "Who am I?" in my last post. I will attempt to show my pattern of thoughts on this topic.

Who am I? Am I merely the sum of my actions? Am I a distinct individual, seperate from everyone else in my uniqueness? I don't believe I am merely the sum of my actions, because if I were the question of "Who" would be very simple to answer. I also don't believe that every person is a wholly distinct individual. We have our conscious selves, who are distinct individuals, but we also have our subconscious selves. I believe that our subsconsious selves are all connected.

Our subconscious selves exist as tiny, self-contained balls (for the sake of simplicity) and each of those balls is connected to every other ball via a string. It's a very messy and complicated network, and thus very hard to navigate, but through this connection we have empathy, and some other things. Some people are more in tune with this network than others, making it much easier to navigate the network and as such feel a closer bond to the people around them.

Now, if I am not only the sum of my actions then who am I? My subconscious self is, essentially, everyone. Yet, my subsconsious self is also distinct from everyone elses because I cannot navigate the entirety of that network. I am closer to some people than others, and with them I can get closer to their subsconscious selves and understand them better. And that brings up another question.

Is the conscious part of our existence less the "self" than the subconscious? The subconscious is the key to connecting with our fellow man. There is no conscious action involved when we feel the pain of another, even when they mask it. To use Tony as an example, he has a connection to his twin allowing him to know when she's in a state of high emotion regardless of distance. How does that in any way involve the conscious mind?

If they true key to the self is the understanding of the subconscious, then is there really a self? If we're all connected as I believe, then true understanding of the self is also the understanding of all humanity, of any being with a subconscious mind? I believe that to be only partially true. While we are all connected, we also still have our distinct spheres of subconscious self which only we posess. Other people may be capable of understanding it, but only those who truly understand their own self first.

I believe that one cannot fully traverse the network of the subconscious until one has first fully traversed their own tiny sphere of self. The more you understand that tiny part of the whole, the more you can traverse the whole.

I believe I've gotten away from the question of who I am while explaining what I think the self is. It's a hard question to answer, even having your own fairly certain idea of what the self is. I am me yet I am everyone. I exist in two parts. The subconscious part which is connected to everyone, and the conscious part which is connected to my subconscious in a way only I can access. I am not who I was a moment ago, nor will I be the same person in a few minutes. My self is constantly in flux because I can think. I am constantly growing as a person, discarding old ideas and exchanging them for new ones, or even older ones. I am an independent thinker who likes to be in control of situations, but I may not be tomorrow.

At our core I think we are all the same. We are all given the same potential. However, what we do with that potential is what shapes who we are.

Questions

2007-02-06T07:26:59Z

This journal is always so depressing. There are lots of good things in my life right now, but I use this for venting, and who needs to vent about the good things that happen to them?

Anyway, onward...

What is love? What is life? What is self? Who am I? These are just a few of the questions I ask myself daily. Questions which tend to only create more questions.

Fow example: What is love? Can I know what is is before experiencing it? Have I experienced it and just not noticed? Has the perfect girl already come into my life and left again because I didn't act? These aren't questions which can be easily answered, but I thrive on them. Of course, sometimes I get depressed by them, by the fact that I can answer them only vaguely or not at all. But I know that a life without questions becomes a life without meaning.

I feel as if I ask myself five new questions every day, each one an answer to a question before. Perhaps that's the point. Perhaps some of these questions can never be answered because there is no single answer to them. Love is a subjective thing. What one person considers love I may scoff at because it doesn't resemble my view. Who am I... that question will have a different answer for everyone, as it should.

Lonliness has been very pervalent in my life of late. I don't know why, but I feel very out of sync with the rest of the world. It's as if part of me is exsisting somewhere else, somewhere connected but seperate. It's a difficult thing to explain, but I feel a very odd distance between me and everyone else, as if I have a secret and they can tell. It's a kind of imaginary tension floating around me, interfering with relationship and preventing me from connecting with people the way I used to. Like I said, it's odd.

Another part of it is probably due to my non-existant love life at the moment. I notice couples alot more now for some reason. It's probably due to the fact that I really want some physical comfort right now just to make me feel better.

I need a woman to cuddle with.

I really needed one Saturday. That was such an odd experience. It was so fun but the lack of cuddling made me feel really shitty. Altered states of mind are really weird that way. Normally I just would like to cuddle, but on Saturday I was obsessed with the idea. And then I was sad because all their was to cuddle with was a blanket, and later a pillow. It was not satisfactory.

Here's another strange feeling I have. There seems to always be a part of me that, when bad things happen, thinks I should hate life but no matter how bad life gets I've never fallen to hating life. I've cursed God a few times, but only because I was upset and needed a scape-goat. In the heat of anger and frustration it's easier to blame God for what happens than it is to just accept those happenings as part of life. I have gotten better at it though, so it's been awhile since I looked for a scape-goat.

Frustration

2007-01-31T04:10:17Z

I want to throw shit. To scream and hit something until my knuckles bleed just because I am so fucking frustrated right now. It has seeped into every aspect of my being and it's driving me mad.

Part of me wants to talk to someone, face to face, just to get everything out. The other part is almost positive that doing so will cause me to have an emotional break-down and I don't want anyone to have to deal with that. I just want this frustration to drain away. I know that it will, but I also know that it's not going to happen on my terms.

Why is it that we seem to have no control over our emotions. Things make us happy or sad even if we'd rather they didn't. I don't want to be frustrated and depressed right now, but the fact remains that I am. I want to simply slip out of this funk. I'm acting as if things are all right, but I think my emotions are starting to come to the surface and effect my interactions with other people.

I can't even really collect my thoughts enough to write them down. Everything in my mind is just scattered about. I need a focus.

A purpose.

ithanir @ 2007-01-29T03:06:00

2007-01-29T09:28:34Z

The last few days have been filled with introspection for me. I did not get a bid from Theta Chi and, although I'm pretty bummed, it has made me realize that I truly do want to go Greek. I've made good friends at Theta Chi, and that has been especially apparent the last couple of days. I was pulled aside alot Saturday just so brothers could tell me they really wanted me to get in, and it's those little things that make life better. Friends for me isn't about quantity, it's about quality and I know that mine are quality.

I can't deal with school right now. Something just feels off with life in general, and whenever I get that feeling school gets in the way of me figuring it out. Then again, I've never been a big fan of school. I'm only in college because I'll get a better job than I would were I to learn shit on my own. Not to mention, it's hard to learn some things (like chemistry) on your own without the right equipment.

I've been having a bit of a strange internal battle lately, a sort of mental dichotomy. One side is the black. The anger, frustration and a bit of madness. The other side is the white. The joy, hope and empathy. Neither side is evil, they're both pretty 50/50, but the white is preferable. The black has the upper hand right now and the black always leaves me internally depressed. Not to mention that the whole dichotomy thing has me feeling physically and emotionally drained. Numb would be the best word. It's something I seem to be alot.

I can still find the joy in life, but it's constantly intercut with those black emotions. In some ways, it makes me wish the world dealt in absolutes. I want absolute joy because I'm tired of this fleeting, fickle thing I've been feeling lately. I tend to be at my happiest when it's an artifically created one.

Of course, I'm not sure how many people have realized I've been in a slump lately. I tend to be very internal with my emotions. What I've stated is only a sliver of what has been going on in my head lately and I've always felt that the best way to deal with a slump is to try to be happy anyway.

I am also of the opinion that there is no way for us to, on this level of existence, ever be truly satisfied. But, along that same vein, is it possible to ever be truly satisfied? My own view on God is that He imparted free will upon us by giving up His true omnipotence. Instead of knowing exactly which path existence would take, God now sees all possible paths but because He gave us free will He can still be surprised by the paths we choose. But if God wasn't satisfied with being omnipotent, is He satisfied now that His creations have free will? Is He satisfied seeing His creations kill each other for, in the grand scheme of things, incredibly trivial reason?

Tony has recently introduced me to the idea that God is not the ultimate. Not the true alpha and omega like the bible says. But rather, God is simply close to something called the Ultimate Good.

I wish I could sleep right now, but when I'm pensive I never can. I can't quiet my mind enough to do it. It's odd how sleeping for me is essentially meditation. I know people who can drift off in 5 minutes and sleep like a rock. I need to be awake for a couple of days before I get that kind of tired. If I don't meditate as I fall asleep, it's basically as if I haven't slept because it's so fitful and short. I slept better last semester when Jessica shared my bed, but my mind tends to be calmer when I have that physical comfort when I sleep.

Right now art is the only thing keeping me sane. The act of drawing allows me to connect with my own internal reality in a very fundamental way. My story once helped me do that, but I can't seem to connect to my subconscious as well through words as I can through pictures. I think part of it is that I'm going about the story the wrong way. I'm trying to write it from beginning to end while it exists in bits and pieces and drawing simply works better for that sort of thing. You don't need to sort it out.

I believe that there are an infinite number of subconscious realities. Each thought, each world that enters our conscious mind has roots in the unconscious. I believe Tony has a very strong connection to his prime reality, the one from which all of his other realities, including this one, spread. For myself, I think this may be my prime reality and from here I have gotten bits and pieces of numerous subsidiary realities. All of these realities are tied together by my existence in them all. It's not an ego-trip thing either. Sometimes I'm awesome, other times I'm a dick. I'm not even always the main character, but I am in those worlds.

I think I've written enough to sleep now.

my story

2007-01-12T06:53:58Z

I need to restart my fantasy story, and I'm fairly awesome right now, so I need to write while the creativity is here. It'll be short and rough cause I'm tired. A kairi is an asian unit of measure similar to the mile.

The rain began to fall shortly before Ethan and his horse came upon Toc's great outer wall. The road had turned to mud and Ethan's black ceremonial uniform was soaked. Toc's outer wall was a testament to mankind's strength. It was one hundred feet high and twenty feet deep. Catapults, ballistas and archers sat in wait on the top, and the wall itself was dotted with holes for archers to fire from. Each of the 16 gates entering the city also had death holes. The wall was 16 kairi in circumference, and as Ethan approached it filled his entire view, and he saw more than just the aged marble, he saw the first set of gates begin to part as he drew near, and two guards move in to stop and question him. Standard procedure. A flicker of movement in the shadow of the entrance gave him a shudder. Something was wrong, he could feel the tension in the air and an uneasiness in his horse.

"It'll be all right boy," he whispered, patting the horse's neck. "We're going to get what we came for, and then head back to this insane task with maybe a bit more direction."

"Silver Dragon, we must ask you to halt!" One of the guards called. Ethan obeyed, stopping his horse just in front of the man. "We have orders from Lord Carmeleon to escort you to his audience chamber. We were told a one armed dragon would come, and that you had requested an audience."

Ethan nodded in assent, eager to be out of the rain, if only for the short ride under the wall.

The guard shouted some commands and four horsemen rode out from the shadows of the gate to surround Ethan and escort him through the city to its Lord. Knowing what the shadows in the entrance were did nothing to quell Ethan's unease. Something felt wrong with the whole situation. As he moved back out into the rain onto the giant bridge spanning the distance to Toc, with the gate shutting behind him, he was overcome with a sense of finality.