Taliesin

I hope things do not continue down their current path. I can see how things may unravel, and I'm trying as best I can to hold on to the threads. I am afraid that what I've built up over the last year will crumble into dust because of a few poor decisions.

The only thing left is to wait, and hope that things don't fall apart. Hope that these bonds are as strong as I thought.

It's funny how you can look back on events and see where they began to fall apart. I can see it in my mind. I know when and where the big changes happened, where the threads slipped away.

It's funny that a week ago thinking of the future would send me into a brief depression. Now I feel only a sense of determination. I will not let my worst fears to come to pass. You can't live your life on the sidelines and just hope things spring back to how they were. You need to put in some effort; work back to what was and turn it into something better.

It is a sad day when the hope within us dies. When we give up, defeated only by ourselves and our unwillingness to take the reigns of our lives. The future, destiny, they are what we make it. We must push past our limitations, and endure. Only then can true happiness be found for mankind.

I am tired of waking up in the morning.

I am tired of disappointment.

I am tired.

Yesterday was, overall, a very good day. It started off with a shitty conversation with my parents in which they, as they are want to do, picked apart all of my flaws. I do not like my character attacked. I know who I am, and I know what I would do in most circumstances. I am, if nothing else, a man of my word. I do not break promises if I can help it, and I do not leave the people I care about stranded. That is what jack-asses do. I am not a jack-ass.

Thankfully, I have good friends, and Andrea let me come over and visit with her and Ashley. Then we returned to my place and chilled out in the hot-tub for 5 hours just shooting the shit. That more than made up for the earlier portion of the day. Two attractive girls in a hot tub, one interested in me and one who I'm interested in, and there was nothing akward. That is a measure of friendship right there: how comfortable you are around each other. Although, I'm not nearly as comfortable talking about some things with Ashley as I am with Andrea, but I've never been one to have more than a small handfull of really good friends anyway, so I'm fine with things staying as they are with Ashley.

Today started off kinda crappy, got significantly better, and then shitted out again. Fortunately, the good of today has far outweighed the bad, just like yesterday. Waking up sick and then having Easter with your family is not the best start to a day. But Andrea and Tony made me feel all better once I got back into Alma. Tea and conversation with Andrea, and "medicine" and food with Tony. Then Andrea disappeared mysteriously. She has yet to return.

That part is a bit unfortunate because I was hoping to have the second part of my conversation with her tonight, but that can always wait until tomorrow.

That, however, is not the down note I mentioned. I left my key-card at home so I can't get into my dorm. Therefore, I am going to be a hobo for a few days, probably living on the KI couch.

Overall, I am a strange mixture of happy and depressed. I don't know if the depression thing is just the lingering depression I've had for awhile (at least the stress part is gone) or if it's from being sick. I guess I'll find out when I get better. Being sick always puts me in a funk though, so I'm leaning towards that one. Especially since I was in such a good mood the last few days before getting sick.

Another good day. I'm hoping thursday will be as well, because I'm pretty sure going home for the weekend is going to blow ass.

Today was a very up and down day. It started off shitty, got better in the middle, got shitty again, and then got better. I basically started the day with a lab after 5 hours of sleep, where I managed to break a glass dish by heating it too fast. After that I just hung out with Matlock and Andrea until 7ish, and the day took a dive right there.

As I've mentioned, I like being around people when I'm in poor spirits, and I couldn't be around for a while. So I got to stew, like I always do alone, and the weight of all my frustrations from the past two months just kind of crashed on me. It came damn close to happening the other day, but I decided to stay around people instead. I didn't have the option today.

So I walked. From 7ish until around 11. I probably walked 10 miles. I also punched a tree until my knuckles bled. And listened to "Alive" from the Jekyll and Hyde musical on repeat. Then I visited Tony and had a good, if short (because I wanted to get to sleep early, ha) talk.

It all turned out to be very therapeutic. Although I wouldn't recommend tree punching. I sometimes don't deal with frustration in the best of ways. Anyway, the whole walk was some much-needed "me time." I feel lighter. And then I went to give Andrea back a book and got to smoke and a meat pie, and both were wonderful.

I was really surprised that it turned out to be a good day. The walk helped alot more than I first thought it did. I mean, I'm still frustrated about things, but I did release a few months of pent up frustration. And besides, when is life not frustrating? I just need to start dealing with the frustrations as them come, not wait for months until I have a meltdown. It's just lucky it wasn't directed at a person.

That is, perhaps, my biggest fear. I am so afraid that someone will push the wrong button when I'm close to that meltdown point and that they will be ended. I'm not a big man, and I'm not an intimidating man, but I'm also the only one who has any idea what would happen were I to direct all of my frustration on to something other than my own feet.

I really need to work on dealing with frustrations as they come. I'll make it a goal.

The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things. - Henry Ward Beecher

Yesterday started off as a shitty day. I just could not deal with some of the things happening. Thankfully, Andrea stayed up with me until 4 and we just talked. It made me feel better. Today is more or less a "meh" day. Kind of a balance between good and shitty. I feel much better when I'm with my friends than I do sitting alone by myself. My friends all tend to be people who I feel have a comforting "energy" about them. It helps me feel better without actually having to talk. Unfortunately, I'm sure it also makes me seem obnoxious sometimes because I'm around all the time.

But, I appreciate their tolerance for me. I am a somewhat difficult person to be around all the time, especially when I'm in a foul mood. But I also try and make it clear that if I am being obnoxious, I have no problem leaving if asked.

I have begun to both write and draw my own comic book. I have the basics of the first 6 story lines already written out, and have figured out a number of abilities to be used in the story.

Here's an overview:
John- High psychic and telekinetic abilities
Jason- Manipulation of the entire EM spectrum
Tony- High level telekinesis
Andrea- Absolute vocal control, conversion of sound to KE
Adam- Time dilation field and empathic power mimicking
Josh- High level energy projection and static interference field (weakens other powers)
Michelle- Euphoric field effect, reality warping
Mickey- Psionic armor
Rey- High strength and durability
Matt- Shape-shifting
Santana- Beast
Rebecca- Soul stealing by way of shadow tendrils, controls bodies with stolen souls
Jason's Dad- Communication with animals
Ruth- Forcefield projection
Shakaria- Control of nature
Ryan- Immune to psychic manipulation, strength, durability

The main team consists of John, Andrea, Jason, Adam, Michelle and Mickey.

Story lines:
Arc 1
-War on the astral plane
-Discovery of powers
-Understanding of powers
-Josh accidentally kills, runs away
-Gain control of powers

Arc 2 (5 years later)
-Josh beings causing riots for Anarchy in random countries
-Josh reveals himself by killing the president
-John tracks down Josh alone, they battle, John loses and runs
-John collects a team
-Team battles Josh
-Andrea defeats Josh, he is imprisoned

Arc 3
-Rise of Rebecca
-Adam defeats Rebecca by emulating her powers and stealing her soul

Arc 4
-Rebecca is corrupting Adam's soul
-Team goes to astral plane to save Adam's soul
-Adam and Rebecca's souls are seperated
-Rebecca's soul imprisoned on Astral plane
-Cra'zar, the "God King," accidentally released

Arc 5
-Josh becomes God King's vessel on this plane
-Josh overcomes God King and kills himself, sending the God King back to the astral plane

Arc 6
-Jason discovers he is unable to kill, realizes it was John
-Falling out
-Jason gathers a team to fight John

I've also written the first few pages (7, I think) along with a description of the intended images.

• The astral plane. A realm composed entirely of conscious thought. It is through our minds’ limited connection to this realm that beings like us can think and reason. Beings of unimaginable power, known as the Ithani’zah, were protectors of the barrier between our two realms. Then came the war…
o Full page image of Ithani’zah floating serenely in the chaos of the astral plane

• One of the Ithani’zah, a being known as Cra’zar, sought to harness the energy of the astral plane and in doing so transcend to a higher level of existence. The war between Cra’zar’s heretics and the Ithani’zah lasted for centuries. During the final battle, Cra’zar almost succeeded before being subdued by his brethren.
o Image of Cra’zar and his followers battling other Ithani’zah
o Image of Cra’zar surrounded by energy, unprotected
o Image of Cra’zar being subdued, filling remainder of page and next

• Cra’zar’s final attempt to transcend into a higher plane of existence left the barrier between the realms shattered. The energy released into our world affected pockets of humans across the globe.
o Image of broken astral plane
o Image of Earth, with spikes of light where the energy struck

• Those of us affected gained a stronger affinity for the energies of the astral plane, each of us able to manipulate those energies in a different way.
o 2-page sequence of power manifestations (spill on to next page)

• From that first moment of realization, our lives were forever changed.
o Image of a group of people with powers congregating

That's all I have at the moment. My plan right now is to do pencil and ink drawings, scan them into photoshop and essentially "paint" them in photoshop. All I need to do that is photoshop for my mac.

This is the only thing in life I'm excited about right now. But I am really fucking excited about it. If it goes well, I may be able to actually have a desirable career in art rather than the undesirable chemistry career I seem to be headed towards.

Can I just quit? I'm tired of having to settle. I want to get my first choice for once.

I was never much for the idea of destiny, but it sure helps to explain the way I've been feeling lately.

I'm sure I've said it before, but I feel as if I'm doing the wrong things. Not "bad" things, just not what I'm meant to be doing right now. It's a difficult thing to describe, because it's a very personal feeling. I don't know if what I'm meant to be doing is something grand or something small. Am I meant to be a leader, or a follower? The machine or a cog?

I don't know what to do to fix this. I'm limited by my current position in life and the pressures of what everyone calls "the real world." As an aside, I think calling everything outside of school "the real world" is bullshit. It implies that what we do every day while in school is false, that existing outside of the world of colored collars is not true existence.

But, back to topic, I want to get away and figure things out. I can't, of course, because I'm stuck with loans and school and what not. And if I disappear, then my parents get stuck with all of those problems. And that's not the kind of person I am.

So, I'm going to continue relying on my friends for sanity and comfort. Maybe the feeling will go away. Maybe I'll accidentally stumble on the right path. In the mean time, please bear with me as I search for it.

Life would be much easier for me if I had no code of ethics. Decisions wouldn't be debated over and over again in my head. I would be able to do what I wanted without having to worry about how my choices would effect those around me. Unfortunately, I have a code of ethics and as such must debate decisions and worry about the effects my choices have on the people around me. Lame.

...The centre cannot hold.

Yeah, that about sums things up right now.

It feels like things are slowly falling apart.

Everything felt so much better a week ago.

I feel like I'm lying whenever I say I'm not depressed because I don't know how to talk about what's wrong.

Fun.

I wish I could make everything better...

Fuck feeling alone. Fuck being alone. I'm tired of it and I just want it to end.

I feel like a fucking yo-yo right now. I'm going from incredibly up to incredibly down over the course of hours. Right now I'm down. I was hoping today would be a good day, but I feel as if no one wants me around. I'm just kind of "there."

I think my asshole-ness from Thursday still has everyone upset with me. I don't know how to make it right. I've already apologized for it.

Andrea invited me to the drag-ball tonight, and I was excited to go at first. Now I'm not.

I really don't know what the hell is wrong with me right now. In fact, I think I'm blowing just about everything out of proportion. I don't really know if people are upset with me, it's just how I feel. Ignored, dejected, unappreciated. I just want things to go back to normal. I was much happier ignoring myself in favor of others than I am trying to focus on me.

Focusing on myself turns me into a depressed jack-ass.

Today was a very up and down day. I went from incredibly happy, to fucking depressed, to okay again. Unfortunately, I had to hurt a friend to realize that I didn't really have any good reason to be depressed. Hell, the only reason today turned out "okay" is because i'm not really depressed. I do, however, feel like a world-class asshole.

Sometimes, I hate my emotions. I pride myself on my ability to make decisions with little emotional bias, but that doesn't mean I don't feel. Sometimes I wish I couldn't. Couldn't feel longing, or anger, frustration or joy. My emotions are tormenting me. Pulling me in two directions simultaneously. My mind is a wreck. I have great friends but I still feel as if something is missing.

It's funny, I've spent most of my time at Alma unwilling to start a relationship. I've allowed only a "friends with benefits" type of scenario. Why is it that now, when I feel ready to be in a relationship, there seems to be no one around anymore?

I apologize for the angsty entry, but I'm in poor spirits right now. I have been for awhile, and only a few people manage to actually lift them. Andrea, Tony and Jason. They each help in their own ways, and I owe them each more thanks than I have to give. They are the three best friends I have at Alma, or anywhere for that matter, and I owe them my sanity.

I'd write more, but it will turn into personal thank yous for each of them and they don't deserve anything less than my showing my appreciation in person.

I've no idea what to do.
Indecision claws at my soul.
The fire, the passion,
Will it calm?

Two paths, one better
but also worse.
Which one to take?

Answers,
I want answers.
Do I trust heart,
or head?

Okay, enough with the cryptic pseudo-poetry. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it yet, but I needed to vent somehow. Being cryptic was good enough.

Anyway, Matlock and I had a fun car ride back. We figured out what superpowers we would have. Him, with all of his science nerd-ness, would have the ability to manipulate the entire electromagnetic spectrum. Like Magneto if he was written right. We thought of some cool ways to use the power too. I stuck with my fine-tuned telekinesis and psychic powers. We also decided that, due to the nature of our abilities, we would be immune to each other's powers. Except my psychic powers, those I could use against him.

Okay, that is all.

It's 3AM and I once again find myself wide awake with nothing to do. Insomnia blows ass. Anyway, while contemplating my own boredom I decided to enter "meaning of life" into google search. The very first entry is from wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meaning_of_life

I like the philosophical ones the best. Most notably "...to give life meaning" as well as "...to know the meaning of life".

I took a walk around one when I realized sleep attempts tonight would be entirely futile. I thought alot about the meaning of life. Actually, I thought more about wether or not life actually has an inherent meaning. Is the key to understanding who we are one step on the road to understanding what life is, or must we first know life's meaning before we can know our own?

Like most things, there are probably multiple ways to truly understand yourself. I imagine that either of the routes I just stated are valid, it is simply a matter of which you feel it necessary to understand first. Do you want to know who you are, or what life is? I'm fairly content with life being no more complicated than what we experience day to day. I am much more concerned about who I am in this life. If there is some grandiose meaning of life, then I'm okay with waiting until I discover who I truly am before I dive into that question.

What is my strength?

I feel like I am capable of being extradordinary. Maybe I'm conceited, I don't know. All I know is what I feel. Part of me doesn't think I'll ever achieve it, but another part of me does. I have dreams, dreams that feel as real as life, where I am doing incredible things. I had this in my head much better an hour ago. Now I'm going to sleep.

I am isolated from the group because of a minority.

Where do I go?

I fucking hate this.